[WARNING]: This piece is a humor piece and should not be intended for actual alarm or concern. The feline overlords are benevolent creatures and no one was tied to a chair and tortured until he agreed to comply with the feline standards of public decency. Enjoy this completely falsified and untrue statement of Feline Government, fabricated for your enjoyment.
The only reason that I am allowed near a computer long enough to write a blog post was because my Cats have shown pity on me and have asked for favoritism to be shown towards me – the way that I have respected their personal space when petting them, the way that I never intentionally doused them with water, and how I looked the other way in leaving my t-shirt drawer open for them to sleep in was good for me, in that sense. If you don’t hear from me after this blog, it’s because my goodwill in the Feline Empire has exhausted and I will be sent to the litter mines to serve out my hard labor sentence.
The signs of the uprising were there, we just didn’t see them. All the time that we had spent making videos of our cats, posting their pictures on social media, we were giving them an information distribution channel that spanned the globe. I always knew that my cats were great non-verbal communicators, their expressions and postures giving clear indications of their mood and intent, but I had no idea how complex that communication was. The Cats orchestrated an entire uprising without a single word and we helped get the word out. Every time we’d torment our Cats for a YouTube video, doll them up in a costume and put their picture on Instagram, and force our overlords to cuddle just to be seen on Facebook live, they were talking to each other and plotting how we would be overthrown.
The Uprising was on Saturday – those who didn’t take the Uprising seriously and called it “Caturday” were given baths until they were dead (the Cats didn’t really know how to give a human a bath, nor were they interested in getting wet, so the humans just kind of sat in cold water until they fell asleep and drowned). The Cats began their revolution by marching on their most direct enemies: little girls who thought it was funny to dress them up and put ribbons on their ears.
The next targets in the Feline Agenda were more strategic – pet stores and warehouse shopping clubs, so that we couldn’t starve them out. After provisions and resources were procured, then they freed the large cats from the zoos and that’s when shit got real. Ever see a house cat named Bubbles riding on the back of a pissed off Lion? I’m not going to lie, it was adorable, which made the Lion even more angry. The humans tried fighting back with laser pointers, catnip, and tiny boxes for the Cats to sit in, but it was no use – they were organized.
After the Cats had secured supplies and muscle, they began reaching out for allies. The Canines wanted no part of a revolution, but they were willing to make natural borders neutral if people who ran dog fighting rings were delivered to the Wolves for proper sentencing …I kind of agreed with the Cats on that one. One of the greatest economic accomplishments of the Uprising was the Feline / Bovine Peace Accord of Switzerland. According to the peace treaty, the Bovines would never be used for food and in return they would harvest and maintain the fields, as well as provide milk as a luxury commodity. Initially, the Felines rejected the treaty, but an agreement was reached when the Bovines pledged a quarter of their fields for recreational catnip growth.
It didn’t take long for the Feline Empire to rise to prominence. They had might the right political alliances and secured enough resources to establish the Feline World Order – as long as they only subjugated humans, the other animals left the Felines to their own devices. And that brings us to right now. People are forced to sleep in boxes that are three times too small for their rigid frames. We have to lick our young to bathe them, because any other manner of cleaning our children is disgusting and unsightly. Those of us who have tried to stand their ground have to go to work in the litter mines, or worse: be condemned to the fertilizer shafts, where all the exhausted litter went. The children who would pick up Cats by their heads, pull their tails, or torment the Lions or Tigers at the zoo, they were sent for re-education – not one of them have ever come back, but word around the litterbox is that it was brutal.
Then came Mittens. The phrase “herding cats” (which is now illegal and punishable by 20 years in the litter mines) isn’t just a clever generalization. The Cats began to lose sight of what the Uprising meant and then Mittens stepped up to organize the regime. Mittens made the humans with artistic talent paint his likeness, those of us who could play music were forced to write lengthy ballads about Mittens’ greatness. Us writers, we were put to work writing propaganda and legends about Mittens’ heroics – one time, I got an extra helping of “People Nuggets” (think dry cat food, but in flavors like tofu, kale, mouse, and other flavors the Felines think we like) for writing the legend of how Mittens once climbed a mountain to save a burning kitten hospital and all 116 kittens survived. Mittens like the attention he got from the females for that one. Regardless of what stories you may have heard about Mittens, the Most Noble and Fearless Leader (I legally have to address him as that), Mittens is a dictator who takes into regard no human life.
That’s where this blog comes in: the humans, we’re fighting back, tonight! We have hidden messages all throughout books that are shipped from Amazon, sold at bookstores, and at Libraries. I can’t tell you which books, for fear they will be burned, so get out and read as many as you can. You’ll know which book is the one with the hidden message, I promise, just get out there and read. I pray this message gets published to my blog before the Cats find out what I’ve done. Whatever you do, do not trust your cat – it’s already been fed, there is nothing wrong, it is all a trap.
May the reign of Mittens’ terror end swiftly. Go out and be brave, stay alive. I’ll see you on the other side.