The question posed by u/Impossible_Lemor is: “You are an inconvenient burgurler. You break into people’s homes and steal small things to annoy to owner. What do you steal?”
You know, sometimes I don’t think the world gets me, and then I see something like this, and I know others in the universe indulge in my kind of mayhem.
[DISCLAIMER]: the author does not encourage, nor participate, in acts of theft, larceny, breaking and/or entering, or anything else that would catch charges. Please assume the blog, in its entirety, is fiction, and for entertainment purposes ONLY.
I’m not a violent man, I am not malicious, I am not malevolent, I am just chaotic. I enjoy the disruption of expectations, but only in a fun, “nobody gets hurt” kind of way. The inner-theater of my mind is one of discord, absurdity, and the applause I seek is either laughter, or horrified expressions from people. In my everyday life, people see me as this ultra-positive ray of sunshine. It makes me absolutely giddy seeing the realization on their face when they finally see the facade of someone who is trying to remain employed melt away and they get their first glimpse of the Archduke of Mayhem. I have a dark sense of humor, but I’m also not a dick about it.
So, the question is, I am stealing from a home, with the sole intention of being a righteous pain in the ass, what am I stealing?
In this scenario, it would not be a random intrusion. The “victim” would have been personally analyzed, weighed, measured, and judged. I couldn’t just break into the home of anyone, it would have to be an exquisite asshole being burgled. It wouldn’t just be a random break-in, either. I would have cased the joint—I would know when the “victim” left, where they went, how long they’d be gone, and their misdeeds would be inventoried. When I resolve to perpetrate the robbery, the “victim” would have demonstrated themselves beyond redemption.
So, here is my shopping list:
- All of the nail clippers
- Bottle & can openers
- One piece out of every box of puzzles in the place
- One light bulb out of any light fixture with more than one bulb
- A random note on the fridge with important looking numbers on it
- The last bottle of shampoo/cream with just enough in it for one more use
- Something innocuous, but monogrammed
Those are all items that would be terribly inconvenient if they were gone, especially in the case of hang-nails. If you know me, at all, you know that I’m not going to stop there. It’s not enough to be inconvenient, it has to be absurd as well, it has to sow the seeds of discourse.
Remember how I said I would have already cased the joint? I’m then taking the items I’ve stolen and I’m leaving them in places where the “victim” frequents. I’ll tape the puzzle pieces they are missing onto the counters of the coffee shops they go to. I’ll leave their lightbulbs on the hoods of cars in the parking lot of their jobs. The important looking numbers? I’ll write them on their windshield, in chalk-marker, and write it again after they wash it off. Bottle & can openers will appear in the mailbox. The bottles of shampoo will be on the fence of their children’s school, right in plain sight of the parent pick-up line.
The coup de grâce will be the monogrammed personal item. Eventually, the objects reappearing in this person’s life are going to have an impact on their outlook. They will be tired, suspicious, and weary. They will turn to someone, seeking solace, maybe answers. They will go to this person when they are at their lowest, and when they do, they are going to be greeted by their monogrammed item in plain sight. If my math is correct (and it usually isn’t), this will be the straw breaking the camel’s back. The “victim” will have no one to trust, no idea why this is happening, and no clue when it will stop. At this point, hope is gone, peace is forgotten, and there will never be normal again.
You may be asking yourself, why would I go to these lengths? To make an example, of course. The person I’d target would be a notorious asswipe and the people around them will know exactly why someone would do this to them. It would be no shock, or surprise, that someone would exact such an operation against them. A person who’d once been an immortal asshole, so incredulous that people crossed the street to avoid them, would then be a shell of their former selves. If such an insufferable rectal wart could be dismantled, surely anyone could be. People would think twice about being douchebags, they would lead with kindness, and the world would be a better place.
Be kind to one another and thank you for joining me on this trip across the Millerverse!
—
Songs Listened to While Writing This Blog:
- “Radiation Vibe” – Fountains of Wayne
- “State of Love and Trust” – Pearl Jam
- “Alone” – Heart
- “Sunshine” – Matisyahu
- “Rude” – Magic!
A.P. Miller 