The Van Damme Code

Let it be known: I love Jean Claude Van Damme movies and I don’t give a rats ass who knows it! I have seen everything from “No Retreat, No Surrender” to Direct to DVD Universal Soldier sequels, and they are all amazing. In fact, I have seen so many Jean Claude Van Damme movies, that I have identified a pattern, a formula for action movie greatness that took Jean Claude Van Damme from being a skinny kid from Belgium to the Greatest Action Movie Star Ever!*

*I’m not going to get into an argument with you. Chuck Norris is okay, Bruce Lee was alright, and Steven Seagal was a flash in the pan.

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Reversing the Reviews

[DISCLAIMER]: This blog is intended for entertainment purposes only and not meant to defame or discredit anyone. Any similarities between anyone specific is purely coincidental. If you take issue with the way anyone is portrayed, perhaps take a long look at how you treat other human beings and stop being an asshole. Thank you.

I’m going to share a deep, dark secret about people in the retail industry: a lot of people who leave them are super entitled with mismanaged expectations and so the rest of them aren’t taken very seriously by anyone who actually works with the public at your favorite store. In fact, some of them wouldn’t mind reviewing you, the customer.

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Weaseltheory: Yes, it exists.

[DISCLAIMER]: The author is intending this blog post to be entertaining and is in no way meant to discredit, slander, or otherwise shame men and women who believe in Weaseltheory. If you would like the equal opportunity to have your point of view heard, please email the author at Thank you]

I’ve been alive thirty-five years and I have seen enough history to be the lyrics of a Billy Joel anthem in those three and a half decades. Never in my life have I ever seen a year suck so completely that it has been deemed an unmitigated cosmic clusterf*** before it’s even half over. So far, this year has been llama crap stuffed with cat crap, served with a garnishing of chimpanzee crap — the outcome for the other half of the year isn’t looking any better, either.

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Where’d You Go? We Missed You So.

The last time I posted a blog was on February 7th — on that particular day, I was looking back on the accomplishments of my life fondly, smiling on the things I’d done. Today is a different day and February 7th feels like a lifetime ago. Certainly, 

I’m not the same person that I was then. Truly, I envy that oblivious fool; he had no idea what was coming to him.

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What It’s Like Being a Radio DJ.

When I sit down and look at it, I’ve lead a decently interesting life — a lot more than I would have thought when I was in high school, with absolutely no idea what I was going to do with my life.

One of the most favorite things I’ve ever done professionally was being an on-air personality for an actual radio station! I say professionally, as in “I got paid for doing it,” but truly, I would have done it for free. In 2007, every Saturday between 10:00 AM and 3:00 PM, I was Alan Stone: “Happy Valley’s Polite DJ” on 105.9 Joe FM (the era of 105.9 between “the Buzz” and “QWiK Rock”).

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