“Is a dream a lie if it don’t come true? Or is it something worse that sends me down to the river, though I know the river is dry?” – Bruce Springsteen, “the River,” 1980.
I have a pretty decent memory. I’m not sure if it’s related to ADHD, or other aspects of neurodivergence, but I have a decent memory of people, faces, and facts. Sometimes it’s a fun party trick, it’s gotten me banned from a few trivia contests, and gives me the ability to let people know how important they are. To this day, I remember watching wrestling with my cousin Penny, and distinctly remember how much she loved Sting. I can remember a fair share of things about my father, although he passed away when I was five—I treasure that actually. I very fondly remember the great times I’ve had with friends.
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” My favorite law of physics. If I can remember fun, and fond, things clearly, then surely I remember the bad things just as clearly. I do. I can remember the morning I found out about my father’s death. I can remember how cruel people can be. I can still feel the sting of the hurtful things people have said in the heat of a moment. That’s the trouble with a decent memory, you remember the offenses in such great detail, how you felt simultaneously, and it’s like those wounds are fresh all over again. I can be sitting on the couch, watching television, and be reminded of a time when someone said something needlessly cruel. Those cuts bleed just like they did the first time. Telling me to just let it go would be like giving a drowning man a picture of oxygen—it won’t do either of us any good.
I bring this all up because I’m being told to let things go, to not let it affect me, and to keep on living my best life. Really? Is that all I have to do? Eureka! Problems solved! Who’s up for pizza and brownies? I’d love to let it go. I would love for my brain to be filled with nothing but sunshine, happiness, and victories. I would give a vital organ to be able to just …release the times people have been nasty to me for no reason. I’d love to think about something from my old life and not have to get brand-new scars from living those painful moments again. I would do a backflip to not have to look back on plans I had and be reminded how crushed I was when they fell apart.
I’m writing about it on my blog, not for sympathy, but because the written word is where I can lay things down, and can leave them be. Really, I’m fine, I would just like the people who’ve inflicted the hurt to have to hold it for a while, so I can take a break from it.
Truly, I’m fine. Really.
Thank you for joining me on this trip across the Millerverse. Hopefully there is something more cheerful to read.
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Songs Listened to While Writing This Blog:
- “Mary On a Cross” – Ghost
- “Three Libras” – A Perfect Circle
- “Remedy” – Cold
- “The River” – Bruce Springsteen
- “Cocaine Blues” – Johnny Cash
A.P. Miller 