[DISCLAIMER]: The author is intending this blog post to be entertaining and is in no way meant to discredit, slander, or otherwise shame men and women who believe in Weaseltheory. If you would like the equal opportunity to have your point of view heard, please email the author at email@example.com. Thank you]
I’ve been alive thirty-five years and I have seen enough history to be the lyrics of a Billy Joel anthem in those three and a half decades. Never in my life have I ever seen a year suck so completely that it has been deemed an unmitigated cosmic clusterf*** before it’s even half over. So far, this year has been llama crap stuffed with cat crap, served with a garnishing of chimpanzee crap — the outcome for the other half of the year isn’t looking any better, either.
I feel partly to blame. I said to myself surely, 2017 can’t suck as bad as 2016. 2017 kicked me square in the teeth. Then, on New Years Day, I said to myself 2018 is going to make 2017 look like an ex-girlfriend that hooked up with that guy who just got out of jail and is tattooing minors in his living room with a tattoo machine made out of old Walkman parts. 2018 let me down like watching a movie where the dog dies and no one warned you. 2019 was supposed to be THE YEAR and it just ended up being 2018’s toothless cousin — and now here we are, right in the middle of the Universe’s punch line.
According to some conspiracy theorists, there is a reason why we are the hot butt fudge on the frozen piss sundae that is 2020, and that reason is Weaseltheory.
To understand Weaseltheory, we need to make a few assumptions:
- A belief in multiverse theory — that for every possible decision that can be made, there is a universe where that decision was made, onto infinity. There are infinite variations of the Universe that we are in and there is no promise that we are on Earth Prime (the first Universe to come to exist)
- That time travel is possible through the manipulation of gravity and singularities
- That John Titor, a time traveler who decided to get on the internet in the late 1990’s, did know what he was talking about
Now would be the time to put on your tinfoil hat.
According to John Titor, when he came back to visit family and troll the easily deceived on the internet, time travel is possible. Where John Titor is from, an experiment at CERN unlocks the science required to alter mass and gravity and make time travel possible …only, it’s not really time travel, its interdimensional travel. We’ve agreed that multiverse theory is correct, so when Titor traveled back, he was still in the United States, just a United States in a different universe than where he was from. That’s why he could tell us all about time travel, because it wouldn’t affect the future where he is from.
CERN — the European Council for Nuclear Research, or Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire. One of CERN’s most visible experiments is the large Hadron Collider. In very plain, basic language: they speed electrons to ridiculous speeds and then smash them into each other. If multidimensional travel is possible through the extortion and manipulation of gravity, then certainly a nuclear event would have an impact, right? I’m not going to lie, I did not pay enough attention in Mr. Zeak’s class to be able to give you any details other than that, but the abridged version is: if the voodoo to run the TARDIS is going to be found anywhere, it’s going to be at CERN in the Hadron Collider.
In 2016, the scientists at CERN were either preparing for an experiment or where in the middle of one, and the Hadron Collider shut down overnight. When technicians inspected the collider the next day, they found the charred remains of a weasel, as it had chewed through some heavy duty cable. No harm, no foul, right? This was in April, 2016. Everything goes to hell shortly after.
But why, you ask. Weaseltheory says that when the weasel chewed through the cable during the Hadron Collider, we were shifted into a Universe where everything sucked out-loud! How does an entire Universe worth of consciousness get thrust into a new Universe without knowing it? The same reason why we know that the Berenstain Bears is spelled wrong, that the Monopoly Guy had a monocle, that Freddy Mercury ends “We are the Champions” with one final breath of the world. But, if you look them up, history says we’re wrong. I’m trying to demonstrate the Mandela Effect, but the two theories are cousins and come from the same science.
You may ask, A.P., do you believe in weaseltheory? I’m not the guy to ask. I used to believe in people, and then one global crisis and everyone is hoarding toilet paper. I guess I believe in Weaseltheory as much as I believe in everyone’s ability to be decent human beings — take that for what it’s worth.
There you have it, folks: a reason why everything is so awful. We can stop blaming the president, each other, facebook, and place the blame firmly where it belongs: on a rodent.
Until your next trip across the Millerverse!