Cringe. That’s the only reaction that makes sense when I think back to some of the things that I used to contribute to my style: I cringe. If I’m going to count my blessings on this aspect, it’s that not everyone had a camera phone when I was a teenager and some of the absolutely foolish things that my era did as children won’t come back to haunt us (outside of oral tradition). The generation after this one is going to have a field day arguing parental directive with photographic evidence.
I was listening to one of the greatest albums of my young life (Green Day’s “Dookie”) and it really reminded me of some things — all of it was abhorrent. For this week’s blog, I am going to exorcise the cringey demon from my conscious and make room for positivity and productivity!
I, A.P. Miller, submit the following for your perusal and social condemnation:
|When I was a kid…||…but now as an adult|
|School of Rock was a good movie about a musician that was going to play the system in his favor and make some kick ass rock n’ roll!||A grown man willingly manipulated children to meet his own ends.|
|Downloading music isn’t stealing, it’s sharing art and giving the musicians exposure and increasing their fan base.||Oh, it’s theft alright, and the programs used to do it would give your computer gonorrhea.|
|Dyeing your hair crazy colors is a great way to express how much of an individual you are.||The only hairstyle you have now is male pattern baldness and regret.|
|Listening to loud music with a whole lot of f-bombs was so anti-establishment and really sticking it to the man! F*** the system and f*** you!||Everyone around me has kids and I am sure they wouldn’t appreciate someone bombarding their kids with profanity — it could also lead to a pretty ugly confrontation.|
|My friend Petey got this new album and he says that it’s the best music he’s ever heard. I’m instantly a big fan of this band and as soon as I get to the store, I’m going to buy all their albums!||Way to think for yourself, Rockstar.|
|I want to be an Anarchist because the president is stupid!||Whoever is making those facebook political infographics has to be pissing themselves with laughter at the number of people that bought what they were selling.|
|I want 9 million tattoos of my favorite bands and favorite lyrics! I am such a unique creature!||I want 9 million tattoos, I’m just not sure of what.|
|My hometown is so boring, nothing is fun or stimulating in this hell hole. I can’t wait to leave!||Has everyone here always been addicted to meth?|
|This book they are making us read in school is so stupid! Why can’t they let us read something more provocative and progressive?||Actual Facebook Post: Can anyone remind me what books we read in high school? I’d like to pick a few of them up.|
|I listen to bands that no one else listens to — If you say you listen to them, be prepared for a quiz on lyrics and the band’s history; failure to impress me will result in ridicule like you’ve never experienced!||You listen to [band] too? That’s pretty cool! If they are ever in town, we should think about going to see them!|
|“Hi, A.P., how are you?”
“…uh, living under a fascist government, I have an address in the town where inbreeding was invented, and no one understands me; how do you think I’m doing?”
|“Hi, A.P. how are you doing?”
“On a scale of one to ten? Twelve and a half!”
|When I have my own house, I am going to have purple floors, murals of Metallica on all of the walls, and a fence made of barbed wire!||Like hell we’re painting the house that color! We have curb appeal and resale value to consider!|
|My art is edgy and dangerous, like me!||Holy shit, I found that sketchbook from when I was a teenager and I am going to burn it before anyone else can see it. What was wrong with that kid?!|
|It’s better to burn out than to fade away!||My employer matches four and a half percent to 401k contributions!|
|Calling out the elitists and the corporate machine by name …behind my keyboard and behind a screen name that no one knows, THAT’s rebellion!||I am super proud of this satire, I wonder how long it will take for people to figure out who I am poking fun at.|
In the grand scheme of things, I’ve enjoyed my twenties more than my teens, and my thirties more than my twenties. Growing up is a painful experience, maintaining life as an adult can be stressful. At the end of the day, it’s moments between that make life worth living.
Thank you for sharing these cringe filled moments with me and for not judging who I was too harshly.
See you on your next trip across the Millerverse!