Satire: Hyper Realistic Rules For Monopoly!

[DISCLAIMER]: This blog was written in jest, intended for laughs. I am not implying or alluding to any accusations that anyone who is involved in real estate or plays Monopoly is uncouth — the entire point of this post is the make the labors of playing the end game of Monopoly even worse. Monopoly is a trademark of Parker Brothers, no copyright infringement is intended.

Who doesn’t love Monopoly? The people who hate it, that’s who. Monopoly is quite possibly the single biggest rift in the American family dynamic since the Mistress. You sit around a board, hoping to have a quiet evening of family fun, and that all heads straight for the toilet and usually ends in a capitalist bloodbath that leaves people not speaking to each other for days on end.

Now, if you’re like me, you really want to pour gasoline on this dumpster fire known as family game night. I have taken the sadistic pleasure of taking the real world application of real estate and modified the rules of Monopoly to make your next family game night a chaotic mess truly meant for daytime TV! Without further ado, here are the A.P. Miller modified rules for playing Monopoly!

Game Set Up:

1. Everyone rolls the set of dice, the highest rolling player is designated as “the Mogul,” and the lowest rolling player is designated as “the Statistic.”
2. Everyone gets the same amount of money — except the Mogul, because they were born into a wealthy family that took advantage of buying stock hundreds of years ago, the Mogul just gets more than everyone else. Deal twice the amount of money to the Mogul. The Statistic gets half the amount of money as everyone else — if the Statistic didn’t want to face the adversities of poverty, their family should have gone to college, shouldn’t they?
3. Before the game starts, the Mogul gets to draw three deed cards — these properties are now theirs, that’s an inheritance.
4. Don’t bother rolling to see who goes first, the Mogul goes first at everything. It pays to know people. You know who goes last? The Statistic. The Statistic should just be grateful that they are allowed to play the game and make the best out of their situation.

Game Play:

1. Roll the dice; if a player lands on a property that is unowned, that player may buy it for the value designated on the board. If the property is owned, then the player owes the player that owns the property a rent amount.
2. If a property is owned by the Mogul, pay 2.5 times the amount of rent on the deed. The Mogul never listens to the comps anyways, so they just pulled a rent number out of their ass. You’re going to pay that rent number, because you want the Mogul’s social status to rub off on you. “You rented from the Mogul? You must clearly be a higher caliber of human being than everyone else.”
3. If the Statistic lands on a property, any property, pay 2.5 times the amount of rent on the deed — being broke is expensive and it sucks to suck.
4. If a player lands on an unowned property and cannot buy it, that property may be auctioned to the other players. You can try to outbid the Mogul, but the Mogul has friends who make up the ruling elite of the city. You aren’t just making an enemy out of the Mogul, but the other crooked bastards who make the city tick as well. Proceed at your own rent.
5. If you land on a property owned by the Statistic, don’t bother paying rent. They are just going to end up spending it on food and trying to pay down that crippling medical debt because their health insurance sucks. If they aren’t going to spend it on a yacht, you might as well just set the rent on fire.

Winning the Game:

1. The entire game, much like life, is rigged so that the Mogul wins — there is no way to argue this, the best chance you’ve got is to be the silver medalist, the last one to throw their money into the middle of the board and scream “THIS IS BULLSHIT, GRANDMA!!!”

If you play according to these rules, let me know how it works out. Of course, I’m not responsible for your family unit falling apart, but who doesn’t love hearing a good story about people losing their shit over a board game?

I’ll see you on your next trip across the Millerverse!