Before I had my diagnosis of ADHD, a lot of people thought I was lazy and uninspired. After a few years of being told what a fuck-off you are, you start leaning into it a little bit. My penchant for sloth was rivaled only by my gift for spite & contempt. In late 1995, my mother had to sign one of my social studies tests because I got a bad grade on it. She asks “Did you really answer a question about how European colonists expanded through South America with ‘they walked’?” Why yes, Mama, I did.
Note: I got the second-highest GPA in that fifth-grade class that year. That teacher, who looked WAY too much like her husband for people not to talk about it, had a hate-boner for your truly.
Continue reading “Famous Book Synopsis (By A.P. Miller)”
One of my favorite movies is “The Big Short,” starring Ryan Gosling, Christian Bale, and a lot of other amazing actors. The premise of the movie is about the 2008 housing crisis and the irresponsibility of the financial institutions that lead to the crash. One of the iconic lines of the film comes from an exchange with Steve Carell’s character incensed by the blatant negligence of the big banks — Jared Vennett (as played by Ryan Gosling said): “If being stupid was illegal, I’d have my wife’s brother in prison.” (paraphrasing).
That line got me thinking about things that should be illegal. Punishable by the full extent of the law. I’m talking about the kind of jail time that makes you sit with your back to the wall at a restaurant and hover over your plate like a mama lion guarding her cubs. For this week’s blog, I’ve come up with a list of things that are technically legal, but shouldn’t be.
All rise. Court is in session. The questionably honorable Judge A.P. Miller is presiding.
Continue reading “It’s not illegal …but it should be!”
I don’t know if I’ve told you all this yet or not, but I’m kind of an idiot. Not an idiot as in stupid, but I don’t take much of anything seriously, and I can usually find something to laugh at in just about anything. You want proof? I laughed during my own mother’s funeral …in my defense, the CD player broke before it could play my mom’s favorite song, and her black cloud was legendary.
I was recently watching episodes of “Big Mouth” on Netflix and there was an episode when two guys were going to write a screenplay for an adult film based on their occupation. Idiot mode engaged. I decided to take my favorite art form, satire, and apply it to a work situation. Mama always taught me to laugh at tough situations and sometimes people are tough to deal with. For your reading enjoyment: a short story about a workplace encounter.
Continue reading “A Steamy Satire: No Receipt, No Surrender”
Before wanting to be a writer, I wanted to be many things. At one point, I wanted to be a teacher – not because I was excited about educating children – mostly because I wanted to watch them suffer. I always wanted to be that wiseass teacher that had tests that were complete mindf***s.
As an observer of society at current, I have seen things that have made my hair grow, then curl, then fall out all over again. I saw a video of someone referring to the band N*Sync as “N S Y N C.” I’m not going to lie: I tried to pickle my brain to get rid of that realization.
To cleanse my brain of such atrocities, I have decided that if I ever did become a teacher, or professor, I’d teach 80’s and 90’s cultures. For this week’s blog, I decided to share my final exam with you all. Please post your test results in the comments and share with your friends to see if they’d pass Mr. Miller’s class.
Continue reading “Final Exam: 80’s & 90’s Cultures”
[DISCLAIMER]: This piece is a satire, and the author is an idiot sometimes. Please don’t take any of this advice seriously — you would be better off trusting your retirement account to Bernie Madoff than listening to A.P.. Also, any similarities between any persons, or events, is purely coincidental. If you take issue with anything that’s said, maybe you should think twice about your shitty personality, and the way you treat other people. Maybe you have a guilty conscience. Asshole.
So, today should be my thirteenth wedding anniversary. I should be toasting to the thirteen years I put into keeping up my end of “till death do us part,” and I should be slipping my dog scraps without my doggymama seeing, and all would be well. Clearly, that’s not the way it’s actually happening. Instead of being bitter, I’ve decided to help other people who are going through similar issues, because I’m a giver.
Continue reading “Ask an Author (with A.P. Miller) – Volume 6: the Wedding Bells Edition”