Before wanting to be a writer, I wanted to be many things. At one point, I wanted to be a teacher – not because I was excited about educating children – mostly because I wanted to watch them suffer. I always wanted to be that wiseass teacher that had tests that were complete mindf***s.
As an observer of society at current, I have seen things that have made my hair grow, then curl, then fall out all over again. I saw a video of someone referring to the band N*Sync as “N S Y N C.” I’m not going to lie: I tried to pickle my brain to get rid of that realization.
To cleanse my brain of such atrocities, I have decided that if I ever did become a teacher, or professor, I’d teach 80’s and 90’s cultures. For this week’s blog, I decided to share my final exam with you all. Please post your test results in the comments and share with your friends to see if they’d pass Mr. Miller’s class.
Social Sciences 245: 80’s & 90’s Cultures
Professor A.P. Miller
Please circle answers in either blue or black ink. If you wish to change your answer, strike an X through the answer you want to change & circle the correct answer.
Question 1: According to Hammer’s First Law of Legitness, can you, or can you not, touch this?
a). You Can Touch This
b). You Can’t Touch This
Question 2: In Fred Durst’s 1999 “Significant Other” Experiment, Fred did it all for the:
Question 3: Left-Eye Lopez’s Theorem says:
a). To “Push it Real Good”
b). To “Drop it Like It’s Hot”
c). To call her “Ms. Jackson if You Nasty”
d). To “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls”
Question 4: Assuming DMC’s Equation of Linear Progression of Time is correct, which statement is correct?
a). It’s tricky to rock a rhyme
b). To rock a rhyme that’s right on time, it’s tricky
c). Both are correct
d). Neither are correct
Question 5: A complete skeleton of the mighty Megalosaurus, nick-named Earl Sinclair, is at the Henson Paleontology Center. The skeleton was found close to a fossilized nest. What statement is true about the Megalosaurus?
a). The male Megalosaurus would guard the nests while the females would hunt in packs
b). The male Megalosaurus would raid the nests of other dinosaurs & the nest likely belonged to the Triceratops, the Megalosaurus’ only natural predator
c). The Megalosaurus could change their sex like some species of frogs and was meeting the needs of its environment.
d). I have no idea why he was there because Earl was not the mama.
Question 6: In the audio collection of philosophical musings, known as the “Space Jam Soundtrack,” philosophical pundit R. Kelly famously said he believed he could:
d). None of the above
Question 7: Poet Laureate LL Cool J made his greatest declaration, a directive given from his mother. That declaration said:
a). Mama said “choose love, not war.”
b). Mama said “stupid is as stupid does.”
c). Mama said “if you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say anything at all.”
d). Mama said “knock you out.”
Question 8: In Nelly’s Equation of Thermodynamic Exchange, it’s getting hot in herre, you should:
a). Stop, drop, & roll
b). Take off all your clothes
c). Be an activist against global warming
d). Divide by zero
Question 9: Renowned cardiac specialist and revolutionary in thoracic procedure, Meat Loaf, said he would do anything for love, but he would not do what?
a). Put ketchup on steak.
c). Vote for George H.W. Bush
d). Adopt a cat
Question 10: Professor Chuck D, of Public Enemy labs, postulated the exact decibel level of an object going mach one, breaking the sound barrier, could be estimated using a simple formula. That formula is:
b). Force = Mass x Acceleration
c). Turn it Up + Bring the Noise
d). Collecting all six infinity stones
EXTRA CREDIT: Write an essay in as many words as you need to describe who would win a fight between Lemmy and God, and why.
- Extra Credit: TRICK QUESTION! Lemmy is God!