Ask an Author (with A.P. Miller) – Volume 6: the Wedding Bells Edition

[DISCLAIMER]: This piece is a satire, and the author is an idiot sometimes. Please don’t take any of this advice seriously — you would be better off trusting your retirement account to Bernie Madoff than listening to A.P.. Also, any similarities between any persons, or events, is purely coincidental. If you take issue with anything that’s said, maybe you should think twice about your shitty personality, and the way you treat other people. Maybe you have a guilty conscience. Asshole.

So, today should be my thirteenth wedding anniversary. I should be toasting to the thirteen years I put into keeping up my end of “till death do us part,” and I should be slipping my dog scraps without my doggymama seeing, and all would be well. Clearly, that’s not the way it’s actually happening. Instead of being bitter, I’ve decided to help other people who are going through similar issues, because I’m a giver

Going to the Chapel, and It’s Going to be Scary.

Dear, A.P.:

My fiance and I are going to be getting married soon, and since I don’t have a dad, I was wondering if there was any advice that you’d give your son if he were getting married. I’m so nervous, and I want to be a great husband!

Sincerely,

GroomingHabits

Dear, GroomingHabits:

A very wise man once told me after my wedding “I have some advice for you: 1). Never get married, 2). Never have kids, and 3). Never have pets. Get a house plant.” Now I can’t tell you why he didn’t give me that advice before the ceremony, but hindsight is twenty-twenty.

Maybe I can give you the gift of perspective: Marriage is betting someone half of everything you own that you’ll love them forever. That is a bet that no one wins, they merely survive. 

If I had a son, I’d probably encourage him to take every paycheck he ever makes to the casino, and bet on drunk people peeing in the parking garage, so that he can’t afford to get married. That’s not a commentary on the institution of marriage, it’s truth, and economical. You’re far better off to know that your money is literally being pissed away, than to put it into something like a house with both of your names on it, only to have some other guy playing rooster in it.

Please enjoy my new philosophy on marriage: Better Dead Than Wed.

-A.P.

Sunrise, Sunset, Bloodbath

Dear, A.P.:

I can tell by reading “Broken Promise Records: Remastered” that you are a big fan of music. My future husband and I are having trouble picking songs for our wedding reception. Can you give us a few recommendations?

Signed,

Guitar Heroine

Dear, Guitar Heroine:

First, thank you very much for reading “Broken Promise Records: Remastered!” Second, I would be honored to offer some recommendations for your wedding reception:

  • “It’s the End of the World (As We Know It)” – R.E.M.
  • “I Hate Everything About You” – 3 Days Grace
  • “Don’t Do It” – The Band
  • “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” – The Smiths
  • “Love Will Tear Us Apart” – Joy Division
  • “These Boots are Made for Walking” – Nancy Sinatra
  • “I Hope You Die” – The Bloodhound Gang
  • “The BreakUp Song” – the Greg Kihn Band
  • “Hurt” – Johnny Cash
  • “Don’t Fear (The Reaper)” – the Blue Oyster Cult
  • “Bye Bye Bye” – N*Sync
  • “Tired of Being Alive” – Danzig

I hope this helps!

-A.P.

Wedding Vows, Suicide Pact — Same Thing.

Dear, A.P.:

I am in trouble and I need your help! See, my future wife wants some real poetic wedding vows, and since you have the gift with words, I was hoping that you could help me! What would you write in my wedding vows?

TillDeathDoUsPart

Dear, Till Death:

You’re asking a complete stranger for help on your wedding vows? Planning on being married forever, aren’tcha?

As an author, I feel compelled to help my readers when they ask for help. I would say that you’d want your vows to be honest, and manageable. Like hair that frizzes when it’s humid. You also want your vows to be contemporary and stylish. Check out my example below:

“I, [ENTER NAME HERE], do solemnly vow to love you when it’s convenient, to occasionally check on you to make sure you aren’t dead, until something better comes along.”

Best of luck on your big day!

-A.P.

And there you have it — I could be bitter, but instead I’ve given guidance in the lives of happy couples.

Until your next trip across the Millerverse!

Advice For Beginning Writers

[DISCLAIMER]: This blog is another writer focused one — we’ll return to our regularly scheduled buffoonery next week!

More often than not, when new writers become introduced to the Writers Community across several platforms, we feel compelled to offer them advice. We don’t do this because we feel superior or the need to be revered, but because we want them to be as successful as possible. The Writing Community isn’t perfect — there are ups, downs, triumphs, & trepidation, but ultimately we are passionate people who want to see other writers succeed. Often, writers will ask other writers what their advice is for new writers as an act of inclusions into the community. For this week’s blog, I wanted to share my advice that I’d give to new writers, maybe to create a statement that can be referenced later.

[DISCLAIMER]: My advice is not definitive, or no guarantee to be useful to you. Please consider the following to be an opinion and suggestion.

Continue reading “Advice For Beginning Writers”

Ask An Author (With A.P. Miller) – Volume 4

[WARNING]: This blog is highly satirical and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities between any real people, places, or events is purely coincidental. If you are offended by any of the material contained herein, you may want to reevaluate the way that you treat people as a whole. Content may not be suitable for people under the age of 18.

If you don’t belong to Twitter, I highly recommend it (and let’s follow each other!) — for this week’s “Ask and Author,” I asked for folks in Twitter’s Writing Community to submit fictitious problems and names for yours truly to give advice on; the Writing Community delivered! Make sure you check out the other authors who have submitted their questions and show them a little bit of love!

Continue reading “Ask An Author (With A.P. Miller) – Volume 4”

Ask An Author (With A.P. Miller) – Volume 2

[DISCLAIMER]: The following blog post is a satire meant for entertainment purposes only — any similarities to any person, place, or event is pure coincidental.

Of course I want to be a Pulitzer Prize winning, best selling author, but sometimes wordsmiths need to branch out and see what kind of writing is best fitting for them. For me, I’m moonlighting — I don’t think I’m ever going to make a career out of being an advice columnist, but who knows? Honestly, I think you should be more concerned with the people who think that I dispense good advice instead of why I think I should be doling it out. While you are on that quest, I’m going to try and change a few lives!* Continue reading “Ask An Author (With A.P. Miller) – Volume 2”

Onward To Victory – Words For the Upcoming School Year

True story: My mother, God rest her soul, spent the summer of 1996 in a near state of agony. On my first day of 6th grade, she tied balloons to her vehicle and followed the bus a few miles to drive the point home: she was glad that school started. Please allow this to be a cautionary tale — don’t do what my mom did, your children will hold it against you until both of you are long gone from Planet Earth. Continue reading “Onward To Victory – Words For the Upcoming School Year”