[DISCLAIMER]: The following blog post is a satire meant for entertainment purposes only — any similarities to any person, place, or event is pure coincidental.
Of course I want to be a Pulitzer Prize winning, best selling author, but sometimes wordsmiths need to branch out and see what kind of writing is best fitting for them. For me, I’m moonlighting — I don’t think I’m ever going to make a career out of being an advice columnist, but who knows? Honestly, I think you should be more concerned with the people who think that I dispense good advice instead of why I think I should be doling it out. While you are on that quest, I’m going to try and change a few lives!*
*I never said I’d be changing them for the better.
Antisocial Media
Dear, A.P.,
My family and I have constant disagreements about the content that one another posts on social media — infographics about politics, backhanded comments about one another, and it’s all just gasoline on the big familial fire. How do I keep platforms like Facebook or Instagram out of my family dynamic and allow us to connect with each other as people?
Please help!
Signed: Fed Up With Facebook
Dear, Fed Up:
I firmly believe that the Anti-Christ has a Facebook account and actually is the person who is creating all of these pictures with political facts. If the Good Lord had created the Garden of Eden in modern times, Eve would have created a joint Facebook account with Adam (EveAndAdam FirstHumans) and original sin would have been one of them accepting a friend request from the snake.
I like to offer solutions in my column and I’ve come up with two for your case: 1. Take a three hour tour on a ship called the S.S. Minnow; the Captain drinks behind the wheel but the first mate is a top notch guy. If the trip turns out like I think it will, social media won’t be a problem for your family anymore, or 2. Print out every single offensive post and show up on the relative’s door, call them out on the carpet for it. Sure, you will come off as aggressive and in need of some sort of psychiatric intervention, but everything will all be aired out.
Honestly, if your family dynamic is rocked by things said and done on the internet, you really need to question how strong your familial bonds were to begin with. Know this: your time on this Earth is finite, the time you are given to love is quantifiable and short. If you or your family is ready to write someone off because of a post on facebook, stop EVERYTHING and get an immediate grip. One of you will end up regretting it in the end and it will be unnecessary guilt. Go outside and play or something.
Sincerely, A.P.
Can’t you smell the Axe Body spray and injured masculinity all over this one?
Dear, A.P.,
I really like this girl but she is only into guys who treat her like garbage. I spend so much time trying to be there for her and trying to make her see how much of a nice guy I am, but she still insists on seeing guys who treat her bad. How do I make her see how good we would be together?
Signed, FedorasForever
Dear, Fedora:
I’m no expert, but I think a lot of your problem lies in the way you think about the predicament. You can’t make anyone do anything. As a human being, with free will, the girl in which you fancy is entitled to having her tastes and preferences (even if it completely excludes your description). Perhaps you can’t see how these relationships with these other guys benefit her because you can’t see past your own jealous short comings. Be confident, be yourself, and the right partner will come along. Your vibe attracts your tribe. If you can’t find that in yourself, don’t bring other people down with you.
I will give you a parting thought, specifically on the “I’m such a nice guy” part of your email. Does a shark swim around the ocean telling everyone it meets that it’s a shark? No. The shark swims around being one of the deadliest predators on the planet and its reputation precedes it. If you have to go around telling people how nice of a guy you are, you are trying to compensate for a reputation that your actions isn’t building for you.
-A.P.
This letter is rated “P” for “Parental Shame”
Dear, A.P.,
I need your help! My mom can’t stop embarrassing me when she drops me off at school! She’s always hugging and kissing on me, saying painfully awkward slang around my friends, and always trying to hang out with my friends! I’m in eighth grade and I have a reputation for being the dorky kid because of how awkward being seen with my mom is. How do I get her to stop?
Sincerely, Young and Restless
Dear, Young & Restless:
I have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that she’s not going to stop and the even worse news is that it is going to get worse. When children are born, doctors actually dispense a handbook of parenting before the birth certificate is signed. According to my mom’s handbook, you can never go too big with public displays of affection; you should always whisper-yell “is that the girl/boy you have a crush on?!” in front of your crush and have a picture of your child taking a dump to show said boy/girl in case being outed doesn’t scare them off. It’s been a few years since I’ve read the constitution, but I think the 45th amendment gives parents the right to completely deflate every sense of social confidence that their child may possess. It’s the law.
While I can’t help you getting the existing torment to stop, I can tell you how to not escalate the efforts. If your mom says that she will walk you to the bus with wild lipstick and hair rollers in her hair (wearing her rattiest bathrobe is implied), don’t call her bluff, she will do it. If your mom says she will go to the school and embarrass you, she will — in fact, she already has the support and encouragement from every other mom in her social circle and they have been feeding her ideas on how to trump up the shame for you. If that doesn’t make your heart stop, she is prepared to tell your friends how she listens to their music too and is up to date on all the “cool jams.” Don’t test her, that is one bell that can’t be unrung.
Know this: your mom loves you and it’s her way of staying relevant in your life. Your mom is painfully aware that you won’t need her forever and that has been weighing on her mind since you took your first steps. Take the time to find out what your mom was like when she was young, take the chances to let her baby you, and love her for exactly who she is. Your mom won’t be around forever and before you know it you will be thirty-three and willing to give years off of your own life to have her back for even a day.
In closing, I want you all to know that I have a memory like a steel trap. I can hold a grudge for decades, and if your mom egged my mom on to do any of that embarrassing stuff, I remember and I haven’t forgiven either of you. You know who you are and I will have the last laugh. One of these days I am going to write a book called “Homework is for losers and how to get away with teenage mayhem,” all of your children will be getting free autographed copies — we’ll see how funny my Mama taking her sewing circle bullshit out on me is then.
Until next time, we’ll see you on your next trip across the Millerverse!
A.P. Miller 