According to the Multiverse Theory, every possibility has been realized in one or more parallel dimensions. In one dimension it rains chicken noodle soup, in another Kim Kardashian is a microbiologist who has discovered the cure for cancer and is living in relative poverty because she refuses to patent the cure, thus making it more affordable for her fellow man. In one plane of existence Planet Namek is very real; in another, Scientology is the largest followed religion on the planet — you see what I’m getting at, right?
In one of these multiple universes, the following is fact: A.P. Miller, Pulitzer Prize winning and New York Times best-selling author, had been elected as President of the United States. President Miller won in a landslide over his opponent, and first representative of the Artificial Intelligence party, Alexa (with her vice president Siri). For this week’s blog, I wanted to share with you the transcripts of President A.P. Miller’s latest State of the Union Address!
[Disclaimer]: this piece is intended for entertainment purposes and not meant to facilitate any sort of political discussion or debate. Everyone has their political opinions and I couldn’t care less about an argument about them. Any similarities between any person, action, or event is purely coincidental.
I cannot divulge my sources or reveal how these transcripts were received, national security hinges (in President Miller’s universe anyways; I could just be some idiot who has an overactive imagination) on that person’s secrecy.
State of the Union Address
Delivered on September 14th, 2018
My fellow Americans, each morning I continue to wake up in gratitude that I have been selected to be the captain of such a great congregation of people — people who demonstrate that the only thing greater than their ability to adapt and overcome is their spirit to persevere. My pride in being American is founded in the knowledge that such people are my neighbors and brethren. The focus has always been on the lives of Americans, to give citizens the tools to not only pursue, but to capture and command life and liberty and happiness. I’ve said it since my campaign, and maintain the stance today: political affiliations are secondary to the unifying denominator, that we are all Americans and that we should be prospering in coalition with each other, not opposition. We should be finding higher meaning and fulfillment instead of competing over basic resources and primal needs being met.
Vice President Van Damme and I have been reaching out to our global neighbors, trying to add value to our existing relationships, repair old ones, and forge new ones. Jean-Claude has done a tremendous job taking his passion for film-making and turning it towards bettering the lives of the people of this great nation; I am very proud to have his support, to give him mine, and to co-champion such an era with him.
Part of our meetings with these global leaders has lead to some inward reflection, some opportunities for improvement on our part. Starting today, we’re instituting a few new policies to not only realize our best selves, but to always have on display and in prominence, the best American citizens possible. Effective as of noon today, the following legislature has gone into action:
- Wait staff will no longer be paid below minimum wage and gratuity for food orders shall be voluntary and not socially necessary — should you, as a citizen, take issue with the performance of a waiter or waitress, you will have to communicate your concerns with them, or their supervisor, like actual people. If you take issue with this policy, I have to assume that you are a passive aggressive schmuck who enjoys playing with people’s heads and paychecks. I suggest you find a new hobby.
- There will be new tax incentives for businesses to enroll in company wide health insurance programs, to include mental health coverage.
- Any business found guilty of discrimination of any shape or fashion shall be required to hang a large, red sign that reads “The asshole that owns this joint hates people who are different than them. Acknowledged by the President of the United States.” There will be no repercussion against anyone who chooses to outwardly speak out against your business or personal ethics. They might even be celebrated. In fact, if you or your business is found guilty of treating people different because of some outward difference, I am going to hold a blow out Sign Hanging Party at your biggest competitor. President A.P. Miller only buys top shelf too, so please keep that in mind before you choose to be a loser.
- Child abuse, or any violent transgression against a child, is now punishable by having one’s junk dipped in honey and then having to spend a week in a grizzly bear enclosure — honey will be reapplied to the junk regularly to keep it fresh …for the bears, of course.
- Anyone who quotes the Bible, Qu’aran, Torah, or Battlefield: Earth will be promptly be administered a proctored exam on their knowledge of said sacred texts. Should they fail to score at least an 85% on the comprehensive knowledge exam, all of their social media posts will automatically be tagged with “Please be aware that this user has been proven to talk out of their ass a lot.”
- Last, but not least, there is going to be an addition to school curriculum across the country called “Being a decent human being.” This will include coursework on deflating toxic masculinity, how to establish realistic expectations out of relationships, expressing feelings in a healthy way, raising children — essentially, how to avoid being a terrible person. Attendance and a passing grade is mandatory — when you think about it, is a student ready to leave the halls of academia without knowing how to be a decent human being?
There is a collective vision for the greatness of the United States and we’re going to get there. I have signed pledges of compliance from Senators Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal, every Power Ranger ever, and Secretary of State Peewee Herman. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
God bless the America and the World!