Before I had my diagnosis of ADHD, a lot of people thought I was lazy and uninspired. After a few years of being told what a fuck-off you are, you start leaning into it a little bit. My penchant for sloth was rivaled only by my gift for spite & contempt. In late 1995, my mother had to sign one of my social studies tests because I got a bad grade on it. She asks “Did you really answer a question about how European colonists expanded through South America with ‘they walked’?” Why yes, Mama, I did.
Note: I got the second-highest GPA in that fifth-grade class that year. That teacher, who looked WAY too much like her husband for people not to talk about it, had a hate-boner for your truly.
Considering my last blog was kind of heavy, I wanted to get back to that kind of carefree assholery. For this week’s blog, I’m channeling that Fifth Grade “F*** You” energy, and giving you the synopsis of famous books. Think of it as I was given an assignment in a class I hated. Technically, I did it, but I wasn’t happy about it.
[WARNING]: Strong language ahead.
|Twilight||A handsome vampire living in the perpetual hell of high school decides he’s not interested in attractive, or interesting, girls anymore. The main character becomes obsessed with the vampire & his low standards, does a bunch of dumb shit, and gets an entire family of vampires (who was doing just fine before her vanilla ass showed up) into a bunch of trouble.|
|Frankenstein||College freshman decides he doesn’t want to pledge a frat or talk to girls, so he plays with dead bodies in his dorm room until one of them comes to life and says “What the f***? Fix this!” Said freshman decides that he’s going to marry the girl who was raised as his sister and then consequences shows up & regulates.|
|The Great Gatsby||The Narrator watches his cousin get cheated on & abused, all while she’s trying to ride the hobby-horse of a bum catfishing everyone into thinking he’s loaded. Everyone gets laid except the Narrator.|
|New Moon (Twilight Saga)||Vanilla-ass main character still isn’t interesting, nearly gets killed by a vampire because he smelled her blood (what are the fucking odds?), and main vampire breaks up with Vanilla-ass. Instead of joining a gym, writing poetry, or going to therapy like a normal person, Vanilla-ass sits in her room for three months and then adopts a litter of werewolves. When Main vampire thinks Vanilla-ass is dead, he tries to off himself by taking off his shirt in front of a bunch of old dudes. Family of vampires is put in danger by Vanilla-ass yet again.|
|Harry Potter||A family, who is guilty of felony child abuse, doesn’t bother filing a missing persons report when a giant man breaks into their house & kidnaps their nephew. The nephew is taught magic between routine attempts on his life. The school, which is aware of the felony child abuse, lets the nephew go back to the family that was abusing him without calling the authorities. Nephew spends the summer sleeping under the stairs, no one bats an eye.|
|The Notebook||Some dipshit subjects himself to a bunch of head-games by a woman so he can prove how much he loves her. After risking his own fucking life, they end up hitched, and he has to continue to prove how much he loves her by reading their story over and over again. Boy meets girl, girl has unrealistic expectations about what love is, boy spends the rest of his fucking life having to prove his love is enough.|
|Flowers in the Attic||Essentially Harry Potter, but with less magic, and more incest.|
|Moby Dick||A guy gets on a whaling ship, despite being told not to because the captain is a few beers short of a fistfight at a little league game, and shit goes completely off the rails. The captain has a hate-boner for a whale that bit his leg off and all of the ship’s resources are spent trying to give that whale a life-ectomy. Like all good revenge, the revenge seeker dies and the guy who doesn’t take good advice when he hears it, floats on a dead body for a few days until another ship finds him.|
|Interview with a Vampire||Unlike Twilight, the vampires have taste. A guy gets bitten by a vampire so he can become the other half of an undead power couple (we’d call them Lestouis —pronounced Les-Too-Wee— in today’s internet culture). Lestouis happens across a ten-year-old girl and says “I’ve got a great idea: we make her a vampire, nothing can go wrong.” Shit goes wrong. The interviewer feels vampirism is a better life prospect than journalism & asks Louis to turn him into a vampire. Louis would rather fuck himself & flees.|
|The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde||Some prick stomps on a young girl, and instead of calling the cops, he’s extorted for money. When the family sees that the check comes from a reputable doctor, they immediately assume the doctor is being extorted …just like they did to Mr. Hyde. Everyone starts speculating, and it turns out that Dr. Jekyll turned to doing drugs to get the best out of himself, like steroids. Turns out the drugs turned him into an asshole …like steroids, and he comes to the conclusion that the drugs must have had an impurity that made the drugs work. Dr. Jekyll is permanently in asshole-mode and when the cops are breaking down the door, he poisons himself.|
Can we all just take a moment of silence and acknowledge what a challenge it must have been for my mother to raise me? I do this kind of stuff ALL THE TIME. It was even worse when I was a kid. My mother, God rest her soul, had to take me out in public, and acknowledge that I was her child. I’m pretty sure parent/teacher conferences started off with “what did he do now?”
Thank you for joining me this week! I can’t wait to see you on your next trip across the Millerverse!
Songs listened to while writing this blog:
- “Feed my Frankenstein” – Alice Cooper
- “The Remedy” – Jason Mraz
- “How Far We’ve Come” – Matchbox 20
- “Shattered (Turn the Car Around)” – OAR