One of my favorite movies is “The Big Short,” starring Ryan Gosling, Christian Bale, and a lot of other amazing actors. The premise of the movie is about the 2008 housing crisis and the irresponsibility of the financial institutions that lead to the crash. One of the iconic lines of the film comes from an exchange with Steve Carell’s character incensed by the blatant negligence of the big banks — Jared Vennett (as played by Ryan Gosling said): “If being stupid was illegal, I’d have my wife’s brother in prison.” (paraphrasing).
That line got me thinking about things that should be illegal. Punishable by the full extent of the law. I’m talking about the kind of jail time that makes you sit with your back to the wall at a restaurant and hover over your plate like a mama lion guarding her cubs. For this week’s blog, I’ve come up with a list of things that are technically legal, but shouldn’t be.
All rise. Court is in session. The questionably honorable Judge A.P. Miller is presiding.
[DISCLAIMER]: Obviously, this is meant in good humor, and not meant to attack anyone. If you feel personally called out by the content below, I assure you, it was not intended to do anyone personal harm …but, you might want to consider not being an asshole in the future.
| Offense | Sentence |
| Leaving toast crumbs in the butter. | This isn’t a serious offense, but you’re heading down a slippery slope of crime. First it’s this, then the next thing you know, you’re stealing the wheels off of shopping carts because you are so out of your mind on drugs that you think shopping cart wheels are worth the kind of money needed to buy drugs. Get your act together and keep your nose clean, kid. 6 weeks of community service, scraping crumbs off of butter for neighbors. |
| Using the urinal beside someone when there are other ones open in the Men’s bathroom. | First, I want to know where your parents can be reached, because they have clearly neglected to raise you to be a decent human being, and they will be punished by this court. When a man is handling his business in the restroom, the LAST thing he wants to be aware of is your presence. There are animals in the wild that don’t commit those kinds of atrocities! Two weeks of court observed bathroom usage — in times of defecation, the court will distribute the toilet paper to you. |
| Talking to someone while they are in the bathroom, facing the urinal, and engaged in the urinal’s intended use. | What is wrong with you? I’m not being rhetorical, I actually want to know what part of your personality is so damaged that you feel the moment a fellow human being has their genitals in their hands is the best time to begin a conversation? I’m going to issue a sentence and my only regret is that I can’t levy the death penalty. Ninety (90) days of shaking people’s hands after they used the restroom with no confidence they washed their hands. |
| Not saying “biiiiiiig stretch” when your cat or dog stretches. | Did you know that when an animal shows you its stomach, that animal clearly trusts you? That’s ACTUAL science, not Facebook science. While this offense is serious, it does not disqualify one from rehabilitation. Seven (7) days of sleeping on the floor — restitution shall be paid to the victim in the consideration of them being allowed to sleep in your bed and use your pillow, not precluding using it for sexy time. |
| Not answering a toy telephone handed to you by a toddler. | You MONSTER! Twenty-five years in prison, no possibility of parole. For the severity of the offense, you shall be remanded to protective custody where you will spend 23 hours a day in your cell with nothing to entertain yourself with but Pee-Wee Herman reading excerpts from your mother’s journal where she described losing her virginity. May you rot in hell. |
| Dog-earing the pages of a book instead of using literally ANYTHING as a bookmark. | Here is a list of things that could be used as a bookmark: Junkmail, business cards, receipts, scraps of paper, a fork, a pregnancy test (used or new), a tie of any variety, a toe nail. With all of those options, why would you willfully destroy a book’s pages with your slothenly apathy? 24-36 months of washing the socks and bedsheets of teenage boys. |
| Using someone’s phone and then handing it back with your ear sweat on it. | Let’s suspend, for a second, the physiological shock of putting your phone to your ear and being greeted with someone else’s fluids — let’s talk about the sheer biological hazard that has just been created. Phones are one of the single filthiest devices that a human being comes in contact with every day and it does not need the aid and assistance of your head-sweat to culture any more of a biological danger. Socially, it’s RUDE. Thirty-Six (36) days of reminding people to use hand sanitizer while wearing a sign that reads “I’m Disgusting,” for no less than eight (8) hours per day, five (5) days per week. |
| Using someone’s favorite pen in an aggressive manner. | Who the fuck do you think you are, you caveman? I use needle-tipped pens, and then some knuckle-dragging hominid like you comes along, asking to use my pen like we’re at a bank and my personal resources are at your disposal. I, being a human being of consideration, let you use my pen and you return it with the point bent because you use an ink pen like cro magnon man used rocks to open claims. I understand the separation of church and state, so I’ll keep my belief of there being a special place in hell for people like you to myself. Ninety (90) days of having to use a crayon as an exclusive writing instrument. Any contact with a pen or pencil will result in being found in contempt of court, and the court may further levy a sentence of having to use sandpaper in lieu of toilet tissue for the duration of the sentence. |
| Saying “Do you know who I am?” to anyone. | I want to be excruciatingly obvious: I don’t think I could care less about anything relating to someone’s self-importance. If you are not receiving the degree of response your station in life should elicit, are you clearly communicating your needs in relation to your business at hand? If it’s something petty like not getting preferential treatment, then I invite you to kiss your favorite part of my ass. Allow me to convey a universal truth in relation to your position now and your eventual mortality: we’re all buried in the same dirt. Thirty-six (36) weeks of having to answer the phone “Hello, this is [guilty party], I have to make a big doo-doo-wee-wee, how may I help you?” This sentence shall carry over to any and all phone interactions, including but not limited to professional or business interactions. Failure to comply will result in being found in contempt of court and a prison sentence of ninety (90) days, in which you will not be addressed by your name, but by a number. |
| Talking on the phone while you are checking out at a store. | Who are you talking to that is of higher importance than basic human decency? I’ll wait. Whoever is on the other line will understand if you say “Hey, hold on a minute, I’m checking out at the store, I’d like to acknowledge the cashier as a human being.” I’m not sure if it’s the need to appear more important than the others in your life would have you believe, but it is unsightly, and truly degrading to the actual person standing at the register. One (1) year of intensive sensitivity training — the curriculum will include basic manners, how to address people with respect, and how to effectively manage your self-importance. |
I don’t want to see any of you animals in my courtroom again. Get your lives together and stop yourselves from these lives of crime you’ve decided upon. The next time I see you, you’ll have the book thrown at you!
May your next trip across the Millerverse be on the righteous side of the law, punk!
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Songs listened to writing this blog:
- “This Magic Moment” – the Drifters
- “RunAround Sue” – Dion
- “If You Wanna Be Happy” – Jimmy Soul
- “Boys of Summer” – Don Henley
A.P. Miller 