[WARNING]: A.P. is in a little bit of a mood, as would anyone who spent the last six months getting their circadian rhythm used to one thing only to have some asswipe on the news tell you that it’s time to change your clock, so there may be some foul language and unpleasantness.
I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to put Daylight’s Savings into action, and frankly I’m too drained from lack of restful sleep to find out who the rat bastard was, but be rest assured: if I meet you in the afterlife, I am going to shove a clock so far up your butt that you’ll taste time instead of the rainbow when you eat Skittles. It’s 2019 — we have electric cars, Artificial Intelligence, and phones with calculators that all of my teachers swore I’d never have on me. Surely, we can take ten minutes, unbury our heads from our asses, and agree that it should be the same time no matter what month of the year it is, right?
Every time I see that infographic online, “Make sure to change your clocks back,” I find myself with an ulcer that can only be tamed with the collective misery of others around me. I’m thirty-five years old and for thirty-five years, I’ve had to disrupt my routine sleep schedule, and for what? In about three weeks, it’s going to be dark when I wake up whether I set my clock back or not. Are we making more money by changing the clocks? Is there a tax break for doing so? Are we winning the war on drugs by doing this?
“But we’re getting an extra hour!” …because we lost an hour six months ago, wise-ass. It’s a zero sum game; we haven’t gained anything. We’ve let the man toy with our minds, change our perspective of how the construct of time works!
You know who I think is behind this? The coffee companies! Think about it, who else is going to benefit from the Nation’s groggiest mornings? It sure as hell isn’t Fitbit — no, the morning’s crab-asses like yours truly is going to reach for a cup of coffee and we’re going to keep drinking coffee until everything feels normal. But that’s the joke, isn’t it? It will never feel normal. It will feel normal six months from now, and by then, we’ll be changing the clocks ahead for some reason known only to the precious few.
We’ll repeat this vicious cycle over and over until our brains are sleep deprived oatmeal, and even then we’re just going to keep doing what we’re told.
I’m going back to bed, or dream about it, this sucks.