I’ll admit it: I hated reading the Great Gatsby the first time through. If memory serves, I didn’t like being told I had to read the novel, the substitute that was teaching the novel didn’t seem too enthused about reading it — if no one is going to give a rat’s ass whether I learned something about a novel or not, why should I? It wouldn’t be until much later that I picked up the novel again and appreciated it a lot more when I didn’t have a high school curriculum trying to homestead the furthest reaches of my colon. That, is a story for another time.
So, here we are! The twenties! You know what’s even better than F. Scott Fitzgerald’s twenties? You can drink! …I can’t, but you can! If you’re keeping score, it’s 2020’s – 1, 1920’s – 0! We’ve got Internet, phones in our pockets more powerful than the computers that landed the space shuttle on the moon, and Netflix, so 4-0, 2020’s. But now let’s stop and think. The entire premise around the Great Gatsby is that a lovesick kajillionaire throws lavish parties in order to get a look at a woman that he’s madly in love with. He invites hundreds of people to his home every so often for the opportunity to talk to the girl …not even a guarantee! That is human interaction like we, as a people, have not seen since the advent of the smart phone. Let’s be real. 4-1, 1920’s.
For this week’s blog, I wanted to take the characters from the Great Gatsby, and shine them in modern light. Half of it for fun, half of it for entertainment, and the other half because I was a terrible math student. Without further ado, the 2020 cast of the Great Gatsby:
- Nick Carraway – a vlogger who has just graduated with a degree in journalism …and guess what? No one is hiring. Nick goes to stay in Long Island for the summer to spend some time with a relative and in hopes that cousin’s asshole husband can put him to work.
- Jay Gatsby / Jimmy Gatz – met Daisy at a party once and she thought he was a loser, so he went home and raided his Grandmother’s retirement and bought Bitcoin. He’s been trying to look like a baller on Instagram ever since to make Daisy notice.
- Daisy Buchanan – Instagram influencer with over twelve-thousand followers! OMG! She’s okay to look at …I guess. She tried launching her own clothing line and all of her followers let her down. It was messy.
- Tom Buchanan – BIG innovator of “locker room talk.” He has a family technique for “grabbing them by the…”; he stopped talking about it when members of his frat kept threatening to kick him out. When Tom graduates, he’s going to take over his father’s Financial Planning firm. He also owns a MAGA hat.
So, if the Great Gatsby were to take place today, on Long Island, on the Eggs East and West, it might go something as such:
Jay Gatsby is throwing another one of his ragers; people only really go to find out how he made his money, most are disappointed and write him off as a stooge when they figure out that he’s just a Bitcoin millionaire and doesn’t have any real money. Nick is fascinated by the guy, mostly because Nick is expecting him to go off the rails and he hopes that he has an audience with Mr. Gatsby when that car goes careening off of the track.
Daisy shows up at the party, because #BuchananStyle, and Jay acts like a real creeper around her — knowing that Daisy would be looking for the perfect photo-ops, Jay invites Daisy and Nick to go out for a spin in one of his new cars. Now Gatsby, not having a whole lot of substance, and what brains he does have is geared towards impressing Daisy — so, he rents a Camaero and keeps talking about how fast it would go in race. Obviously, he wrecks it, and then has to admit in front of Daisy what a dipshit he is and who he was — Daisy doesn’t remember him, because it isn’t in her insta-feed, it did’t happen.
Hearing that his sexy-but-simple-minded wife was in another accident, Tom climbs into his first generation Hummer; the ones that punch holes into the atmosphere every time you turn them on. Upon arriving to the scene of the accident, he sees Daisy, taking selfies, and some asswipe that nearly got his wife killed. Jay Gatsby walked home to his mansion.
Long story short: the bubble on Bitcoin bursts and Jay is left with nothing. Daisy wasn’t interested in him to begin with, and Nick can’t believe that people could be so insouciant about the madness going on around him that he goes home and works for his dad. Tom has been screwing around, but I mean …who is really surprised?
Until your next trip across the Millerverse!
A.P. Miller 