June 12, 2020
[NAME OF COMMUNITY & MANAGEMENT COMPANY REDACTED TO SAVE THEM FROM THEIR OWN EMBARRASSMENT]
Re: My Apartment
Dear, Community Manager:
I don’t even know where to begin with you people, I lay awake at night wondering how you people get any sleep yourselves. I have NEVER dealt with a management company like you folks, and I’ve held my silence for WAY too long! My voice WILL be heard! You will no longer silence the masses!
Let’s talk about the condition of the apartment when I moved in: clearly, the carpets had been professionally cleaned, the place was spotless, and smelled like a brand new apartment. I don’t know if you all are trying to exclude me from my peer group, but I’m going to go ahead and assume disrespect. How am I supposed to join in a round of bitching and moaning with the rest of the world when they are talking about their lousy landlords when you people are pulling these kinds of stunts? Imagine the conversation, a bunch of people are talking about how their apartments are hell-holes and were absolute train wrecks when they moved in, and I have to sheepishly relay that my only difficulty at move-in was when I stubbed my toe because I wasn’t paying attention! Imagine how silly that makes me look, trying to be empathetic towards my friends and colleagues when they feel like they have the worst landlord, and I’ve got the Waltons for Property Managers! The nerve of you people!
When I call into the office, I am greeted by people who seem genuinely happy to speak to me and are so sweet that I risk getting diabetes! There are MILLIONS of people in the world being disrespected by public servants and you people have the audacity to speak to me like I’m a VIP or something — I’ve spoken to my neighbors and past residents, and they all say the same thing! You people are projecting entitlement on to me! “Oh, look at this asshole! His apartment community talks to him like he’s a big shot or something!” How am I supposed to position myself as one of the people, one of the millions of renters who are kept under thumb by the piss-poor attitudes of their landlords, when you jokers are treating me with respect?! I’ve tried seeing through your facade and spoke to the actual property manager, and what does she do? Does she tell me that there is nothing she can do or that it’s my problem? Absolutely not! She takes such pride in her work that she actually values my feedback! Who does that?! I only have to make one phone call to get a maintenance item fixed — like you people don’t want to talk to me or something.
Speaking of maintenance: on the rare occasions that something does need to be repaired, these jokers show up, respect my home, and fix it the first time. I don’t know if this is your people showing off how technically gifted they are, but it’s obnoxious! Those cutesy little notes saying what they fixed, setting appointments if they need to come back, and the cherry on the F-YOU sundae is how pleasant they are when they are cruising the community. We get it, Chief, you love being at work! NOT ONCE has maintenance broken my belongings, drug muddy shoes through the apartment, or been an asswipe to me about having to be there! You people are sick and need help!
In closing: get your sh** together, Apartment Community Managers! I feel like I am being ROBBED of the “Living in a hopeless sh**hole” experience! Have you ever thought that maybe I find purpose in life by leaving nasty Google and Yelp reviews? That maybe I connect with the outside world by calling managers and gambling with the employment of innocent public servants? Clearly you have not. I’m going to be honest, I’m going to have to seriously think about whether or not I’m going to live here next year.
Please forward this letter to whichever district manager is most likely to get drunk and fire you all in a job-stress-related rage. Thank you.
Cc: The Entire Internet.
[So, clearly this letter is a satire. My apartment community is great and I hope they read this and get a laugh! In a world where everyone wants to speak to the manager, willing to get someone fired over things like a missing McNugget or not saving twenty cents on an expired coupon, reflecting on how we treat other human beings is essential to growing as a species.]