I looked at my blog today, with a degree of sadness. When I first started my writing career, my blog was super active, and I looked forward to my new posts hitting every week. Now, the page looks like a shell of the blog it used to be, and that makes me sad. If we’re being honest, I think there was a mental block, because I don’t know how to process the things I feel like I need to say.
There is a commercial aspect to my communication apprehension. If I type what’s on my mind, there is the very real fear that my platform may look unsavory. It’s not that the beliefs I have are unsavory, but my natural stress & anger responses to them may be. Since publishing “Broken Promise Records” in 2017, I’ve been very vocal that I wanted everyone—regardless of their size, shape, shade, beliefs, or orientation—to be able to see themselves in my work. If I were to type a manifesto about how I think people who wear green neckties should be taken out back, and shot, would that alienate people from my work. I don’t believe that, but what if I did? Blame it on ADHD, blame it on poor social skills, but I can’t just be a little angry. If I were to go on a diatribe, I would feel awful that someone saw the words I write as harmful to them.
I am angry. Since starting my blog I’ve been through some stuff. I lost my mother, I lost my marriage, I was kicked out of the house I bought, I’ve been sick, and there is nothing I can do about any of that. It seems like the people inflicting disrespect on me are free to continue to do that and that makes me angry. I could write a scathing blog about how those people are wastes of perfectly good orgasms, and I might even feel better after posting it, but those words may stand in the way of people getting their hands on my stories. I would rather have you read my books, because that is the purest form of expression I’ve ever had, than be offended over a blog.
If we’re being honest, I don’t think I have it in me to bring my blog back the way it was. I’m too tired, I’m so sick of trying to reclaim what was taken from me with complete disregard. What I can do is try to make my blog something new, something exciting again, something that will kindle my passion for writing stories. Hopefully, I’ll be able to discover new ways of communicating, and become an even stronger storyteller.
I know the blog has been sparse. I don’t have it in me to try to reclaim it, but I can repurpose it.
I’ll see you on your next trip across the Millerverse.
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Songs listened to while writing this blog:
- “Hush” – Deep Purple
- “Wherever You Go” – Sublime
- “Rookie” – BoySetsFire
A.P. Miller 