Since my last blog post, I have been beating my head against the wall trying to figure out what to blog about. I want to be more authentic, as a person, instead of just going for a cheap laugh. At the same time, I want to avoid the cliche “live, laugh, play with yourself” that I’ve come to despise. The good news is that I’ve been ingesting a steady diet of Henry Rollins interviews, so that’s going to be good for my mental well-being. But as of late, I’ve been on a sincere search of blog content to really connect with you all as my readers.
The idea hit me like a little brother who has never been grounded because their parents are too tired to actually parent. I started trolling Reddit, looking for different questions, prompts, ideas, etc. I’m thinking it’s going to be a great way to get my fingers moving and really examine myself.
Journal Prompt: How Have Your Views on Friendship Changed As You’ve Gotten Older?
Prompted By: u/BlkUnicornHero
Before I answer this question, I need to give you a little history of me. My father died when I was very young, my mother was also very young, and the experience led her to shelter my younger sister and I. Because of that, I had a lot of trouble relating to people my age by the time I went into elementary school. If you ask someone, “do you remember what he was like when he was younger?,” you may get responses that I was weird, eccentric, or perhaps the complete opposite. I remember myself being weird, because I felt alien to the others. Perhaps they didn’t see me that way, I’ve never stopped any of them to ask.
As an adult, almost forty years of age, I can count my true-blue friends on two hands, but I love it that way. Those ten fingers represent ten individuals that I know I can pick up the phone with today, and we will carry on a conversation like we’d last spoken yesterday, even though five, maybe ten years have passed. If you have people like that in your life, you are an extremely fortunate individual, and I can’t encourage you any higher to hold on to them.
When I was young, going into elementary school, I didn’t know how to make friends. I wasn’t cowered in a corner, afraid of human contact, and I wasn’t tarred and feathered in the recess yard. Looking back now, I know the struggles with human interaction were in my head, exclusively. In the first grade, I made a friend, and his name is Matt Y. Matt is one of the ten people I can pick up the phone and text, or call, and it’s like no time has passed. Having met one of my first friends, I thought being friends with everyone would be as easy as it was to be friends with Matt—that was a hard lesson to learn, that not everyone was interested in being your friend as you were being theirs.
I’ve been clear that I went through an edgelord phase. The edgelordiness stems from struggles with relating to people my age. I didn’t have the skills to relate to people who may have similar interests, so I did things that were screaming for attention in the void.
Enter: finger number two, another Matt. Matt M had transferred from another school. One day I thought he pushed me, so I pushed his head into a locker, and he turned around and gave me the only black eye I’ve had to this day. We have been friends ever since. What worked well with me and Matt M was that he was curious and didn’t immediately dismiss my edgelorditude.
Matt M’s parents got divorced when we were in the tenth grade and he went to live with his mom in Florida. Matt sent letters, emails, and we traded calls—Matt graduated high school early and went into the Navy. Ten years after I graduated high school, Matt messages me on Facebook and says he’s in town. He meets me at my office and we catch up. He hadn’t changed a bit and it was so good to see my friend. Matt tells me he had, or was going to be, stationed in Spain. I didn’t hear from Matt after that. Maybe five years later, I see Matt’s brother at a MMA fight; Jon doesn’t remember me, but he tells me he hasn’t heard from Matt either. The last they’d spoken, Matt was having some issues with PTSD and he may not have been doing well. I was sad to hear that. If you’re reading this Matt, I’m thinking about you still, and I hope you are finding the bright life you deserve.
After high school, after earning my degree, I learned the truth about the finger friends. People I would have thought were friends maybe weren’t as close as I’d hoped. They weren’t bad people, hopefully I wasn’t, we just didn’t stay in touch. Finger number three is my friend Drew. Drew taught me how to use my voice and has been the friend I will be in the most debt to as long as I live. Being Drew’s friend means you’ll laugh when times are hard, that someone will cheer you on as you make your way, and you’ll have a good time around him because he insists on it. I have done so much cool shit with that guy that I could spend all day writing about it.
Finger number four is my best friend, Kristofor. Kris and I are so alike that it is alarming. The universe insists we compete with each other, but we refuse, and make a game out of it. When I first met Kris, I drove a blue Ford Taurus, he drove a Red Mercury. He got a Chevy Cobalt, I got a Chevy Cobalt. He got divorced, I just had to get divorced too. Kris and I haven’t lived in the same city in almost twenty years, but he has remained my best friend whether we’re across the country, or across the world.
To answer the question, have my views changed? Absolutely. In my youth, I saw friendship as an army of people who will say hi to you, with some degree of enthusiasm. As an adult, I see friendship as relationships with a few people who will understand if I have to go into exile, and will be happy to greet me when I emerge. I am very happy to make new friends, but I am also very prepared to let them go. If I’ve learned anything from my divorce, it’s that I will not plead with anyone to stay in my life. If their energies match mine, they will remain on their own.
Thank you for joining me on this trip across the Millerverse; I’ll see you next time, friend!
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Songs Listened to While Writing this Blog:
- “Staring at the Sun” – U2
- “Get Ready” – the Proclaimers
- “Flake” – Jack Johnson
- “Running up that Hill” – Kate Bush
- “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” – Simple Minds
A.P. Miller 