Memorandum: Call Off the Attack, The Earthlings Are Doing the Work For Us!

[DISCLAIMER]: The following text was translated from a transmission obtained during a solar emission. The grammar was repaired in translation, but some terms may have been confused. If you take issue with anything that was said in the following document, please assume that it is a translation error and couldn’t possibly be pointed at you.


TO: Emperor Gflurgganx, the most supreme leader of the Bixxad Empire

FROM: Flirggol, General of the Earth Invasion Forces

DATE: 9th of Vrolloj, in the year of Gflurgganx

RE: Invasion of Earth

Emperor Gflurgganx, your most high and wise — as General of the Earth Invasion forces, I must implore you to call off the invasion! We can actually save empire resources, as the Earthlings are destroying themselves! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it!

According to my findings, the Earthlings aren’t as intelligent as we first thought upon initial contact. It seems that the species that flung themselves to the moon using a ship that had a computer less powerful than a $1.00 calculator has devolved. The homosapiens have seemed to have actually lost brain mass and cognitive function. I have the chief scientists working on finding where the evolutionary reversal has happened, but we suspect that it has something to do with the device that the Earthlings have begun carrying with them, which they refer to as a “cell phone.”

This “cell phone” is quite an advanced technology for their primitive brains. This device has access to the entire curation of the world’s knowledge, and they use these devices to watch miniature movies on a theater called “YouTube,” spew hateful epithets to each other via a mind-altering platform called “Facebook,” and get into vehicles with complete strangers as ordered by a deity known as “Uber.” I know what you are thinking: how could a species that eradicated polio and expanded their life expectancy from 30 to 75 Earth Years of Age have fallen so dramatically? We’re not ruling out the possibility that the devices are invasions from other extraterrestrials trying to conquer the minds of the Earthlings.

Their erratic behavior doesn’t stop at their mindless worship of their cell phone devices. It would appear that their memories had been altered as well. Grand Scientist Cluthurvot observed the Earth creature commonly known as “a gold fish.” Cluthurvot hypothesized that the gold fish has a memory recall of no longer than six Earth seconds — it seems to be the case with the Earthlings, as they have begun taking pictures of themselves as if they’ve forgotten what they look like and their meals as if they won’t remember what they’ve eaten. Once these images have been captured, they are sent to a central memory collective known as “Instagram.”

What’s even more advantageous to the empire’s goals is the way that the Earthlings have initiated their own demise. Every four years, the Earthlings that identify themselves as “Americans” elect a leader to rule their country. The observation is fascinating; in the few months before they hold these elections, the Americans further devolve into primordial states of being, becoming aggressive with each other over topics that could easily be resolved by having a simple conversation! The Americans are more focused on the battle with each other that they are completely oblivious to the plight and need of their neighbors.

During the last American election, the leader they elected actually changed the human behavioral pattern amongst the citizens of that prefecture. Normally well behaved men and women began actively discriminating against their neighbor based on superficial markers such as the tone of their outer covering and where one’s family unit resided before the election. The schism between the Americans grew when the political opposition of this new leader began opposing the leader just for the sake of opposing him. American lives were actually made more difficult than necessary because the men and women under this leader’s subjugation would have rather spite each other instead of seeking commonality and the best for the species as a whole.

The humans are slowly killing themselves. There was a video released, CONFIRMING OUR EXISTENCE, and the humans would have rather fought with each other than acknowledging they aren’t alone in the Universe. There have been videos of human beings killing other innocent human beings and these Earth people would rather hold tight to their rhetoric than acknowledge that the loss of human life was bad.

Save the resources we would have spent on an invasion — the Earthlings will have wiped themselves off of the globe much more efficiently than we can.

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