Memorandum: Call Off the Attack, The Earthlings Are Doing the Work For Us!

[DISCLAIMER]: The following text was translated from a transmission obtained during a solar emission. The grammar was repaired in translation, but some terms may have been confused. If you take issue with anything that was said in the following document, please assume that it is a translation error and couldn’t possibly be pointed at you.


TO: Emperor Gflurgganx, the most supreme leader of the Bixxad Empire

FROM: Flirggol, General of the Earth Invasion Forces

DATE: 9th of Vrolloj, in the year of Gflurgganx

RE: Invasion of Earth

Continue reading “Memorandum: Call Off the Attack, The Earthlings Are Doing the Work For Us!”

Satire: Hello Mother, Hello Father, Here I am at Camp Gvorbolix.

Dear Readers:

Little bit of backstory: I was abducted by aliens last week — according to the twenty-six hours of conditioning on their space ship, I am supposed to say “I was invited on an opportunity to explore the Universe.” The way I see it, if the teachers of Moshannon Valley couldn’t get me to pay attention to their rules, the extraterrestrials didn’t have a chance in Ferboflaarb (alien hell).

The actual abduction itself wasn’t that bad. One tractor beam, a steam bath, and a procedure that found all that gum my Mom told me not to swallow, and I was sitting in a room full of books and having food brought to me three times a day! I didn’t have to stumble into my kitchen three or four times, open the fridge several times, and then resolve to just call the pizza guy — the pizza guy came to me and I didn’t have to tip him! The Space Explorers of Planet Vingerglorx 9 (they gave me permission to call them “the Spaceman” after I butchered it enough times) couldn’t comprehend the rural appetite that I had been raised with and so the meals changed a little bit. I asked Jimferglorp (Jim, for short. He hates it) what the new sustenance was — he jokingly replied “It’s a salad, you pack animal!” Jim has been my best friend since I arrived on the ship.

Continue reading “Satire: Hello Mother, Hello Father, Here I am at Camp Gvorbolix.”