While I’m waiting for my novels to become New York Times Best Sellers, I’ve decided to broaden my horizons and skill sets by starting an advice column. Truly, someone who writes fiction and wields sarcasm the way a medieval knight would wield a sword to slay a dragon should be your number one choice for advice dispensary.
If you have questions that you would like A.P. Miller to answer in his advice column, shoot an email to apmiller245@gmail.com, send message by wire, carrier pigeon, or smoke signals (data and messaging rates apply to smoke signals).
[Disclaimer]: I’m in a little bit of a mood and might be a little salty. This blog is meant as a satire and should no way be confused with any real life persons, celebrity, or political figure. Any similarities are purely coincidence. If you feel like the writer is referring to you, maybe you need to reevaluate the way you treat fellow human beings.
ALSO: I am not qualified to give advice, to anyone. Take this satirical, not applicable to life in any situation, advice and know that it is for entertainment value exclusively.
My Teen is Taking Part in Internet Challenges.
Dear A.P.:
My fourteen year old son has just been discharged from the hospital after a pretty severe burn from one of these internet challenges. This is the fourth challenge this year where my son has tried to emulate a stunt from the internet and has ended up becoming injured. How do I get this reckless behavior to stop?
Signed, Panicked Parent
Dear Panicked Parent:
You can do one of a few things: 1). You can realize that if your child is willing to subject themselves to bodily harm for notoriety on the internet, that perhaps they aren’t ready for the responsibility of social media exposure and remove their access to the internet, 2). You can sit down with your child and try to appeal to reason by explaining the long term health detriments that one of these stunts can lead to, clearly communicating that you disapprove of these actions as a parent or, 3). Go the complete opposite direction and encourage the child to go for broke with a war cry like “it’s better to burn out than to fade away.” The child will stop because doing what your parents say is uncool, or because of ..you know …deadness. The important thing to remember is that you have options.
-A.P.
Blast From the Past.
Dear A.P.:
We went to high school together and I think I was mean to you. I want to make amends and apologize.
Sincerely, Feeling Terrible.
Dear Feeling Terrible:
I sincerely want you to know that I don’t hold any ill feelings towards anyone that I went to high school with. In fact, if we’re friends on social media, there is a very good chance that I thought you were pretty cool and that I’d be willing to sit down and have a drink while we catch up about old times. In fact, I really respect you reaching out to make amends, that says a lot about you as a person.
My philosophy about the high school we went to is simple: during the high school years, the brain is still forming. We’re trying to figure out who we are as people, we’re insecure, and we end up adopting a tribal mentality. At the most concentrated, basic source of our primitive brains, we’re fighting for acceptance. In short: I don’t remember anyone being mean and I don’t hold it against you if you were. It’s copacetic, everything’s forgiven.
…now if we’re not friends on social media and you were a d***, then you need to understand that there is a very real possibility that someone of your vague likeness (just obscure enough that you won’t be able to sue — but I’ll know and now you’ll know) will show up in one of my books as a bloodthirsty puppy-kicker that is taken care of by swift mob justice. The victors write the history, a**hole.
Looking forward to seeing everyone at the 20 year reunion!
-A.P.
Nice Guys Finish Last.
Dear, A.P.:
I feel like everyone in my life is taking advantage of me. My friends only invite me out as a last resort, my co-workers end up getting me to do most of the work slyly, and my significant other really only sees me as a paycheck. How do I get people to respect me as a person and to stop taking advantage of me?
Yours truly, Used & Abused
Dear Used & Abused:
Step one: they aren’t your friends, drop them like LSD at Woodstock (don’t do drugs, kids) – find new ones and be yourself. Your vibe attracts your tribe.
Step two: schedule a vacation with your supervisor and don’t clue anyone else in on it — set your desk on fire before you leave. They either deal with it or there won’t be anything in your inbox but cinder.
Step three: sit down and have a discussion with your S.O. about how you are feeling. If they can’t listen and address the issue, if they can’t give you the emotional support that you need, then you need to cut anchor and let that ship sink. You are a human being who is worth more than just what you can do for other people; if you know what you are worth, then go out and get it.
Give ‘em hell, -A.P.
Now that I’ve successfully ruined three lives; see you all next week!
A.P. Miller 