Ask an Author (W/ A.P. Miller) – Volume 5

[WARNING]: The following blog is a SATIRE that is designed to entertain and invoke laughter, but may be deemed offensive by some folks. If you are easily offended or have strong opinions that you defend violently, please move along from this post. I’d rather us be friends next week than you be mad at me this week and we never speak again.

If there had been a lawsuit filed by someone who took my advice column seriously, I wouldn’t be able to talk about it. Just like I wouldn’t be able to tell you that such a person got laughed out of the courtroom, and I wouldn’t be able to tell you that their significant other had been winning the “pants off dance off” with everyone other than the Complaintant. Those are details that I have to keep to myself.

Until the higher courts of the United States tell me to knock it off, I will keep giving advice that you should never listen to, in any shape or fashion. Let’s give some folks some misdirection!

Under the Influencer

Dear, A.P.:

I just had a terrible fight with my son — I am trying to encourage my sons to go to school and make the most out of themselves. My eldest has said that he doesn’t have to worry about going to college, because he’s half way to becoming a social media influencer in gaming and he won’t have to work because his “sick gaming skills will have the money rolling in.” How do I encourage my son to reach out for a life of substance instead of just hoping to make a living on being envied?

Sincerely, Under the Influencer

Dear Influencer:

I’d love to tell you that your situation is unique and that you are a parent ahead of the curve on children having such aspirations, but unfortunately you are not alone. From what I understand, the idea of becoming a media darling instead of having to actually work has been around for generations — mostly by people who thought they were going to be in a rock band and make millions. I, too, am guilty of this post graduate mindset. We can blame ourselves, we can blame each other, but I think the appropriate finger point of ultimate shame really belongs on the Internet. Thanks to apps like Vine, Tik Tok, and Instagram, our adolescent content is being consumed and the idea that “I can make a go at this!!!” is within reach.

I’ve given you the why, let me give you the how.

I think there is a really underserved opportunity for the youth that love playing video games — instead of giving them buckets of verbal abuse, have we tried to encourage them to attend video game design school? They would learn a trade in a market that clearly has high demand and they would be doing something that they love. Perhaps fostering his interest in video games would be the most cohesive way to approach your sons’ future as a family.

Now, you didn’t come here for that kind of advice from me, no one did. You want the nuclear option, don’t you? You want the skinny on what you can do to your son to make him so socially awkward that he’ll never go on a date and call the police on himself if he accidentally sees a side-boob. Ugh, FINE!

When you hear him on his video game microphone, burst into the room and demand to ask who he’s talking to — ask who their parents are, what kind of religious values you come up with, and if you hear something you don’t like, cover your ears and shout a hymn or something to drown out all of the evil that is trying to defile your ears. Every time he mentions the word “influencer” on one of his games, assume that he’s saying “he wants to get under the influence” and call the police to bust up a drug deal — by the time your son sees the cops, you standing over them with your arms folded over your chest in righteous indignation, he’ll completely give up on a functional life. You will have won.

Now, here’s the fallout: he’s going to live with you forever, and you will have to remind yourself of what you have done everytime you ask yourself “What can we do to get him to leave the house and stop starching his socks?” That answer is “Nothing.”

Good Luck!

Hurry Up and Wait!

Dear, A.P.:

Thanks to the Internet and social media, I have been able to keep in contact with people from my younger years and it has been great to be able to reconnect. The problem is, I am certain that they are all more successful than I am. Rebecca was a suit to her finance job every day, Gretchen is a model, and here I am: a middle manager for a retail location. Am I doing something wrong? Is it me? How do I continue to interact with these people before I crack?

Sincerely, ServiceWhileICry

Dear, Service:

I want you to stop that crying right now — opportunities are presented to us when we have communicated with the Universe that we are ready to tackle them. The most important thing that you can take from my jarbled collection of words: believe that opportunities are coming to you, and they will. The Universe doesn’t care that you belonged to the class of 2003 and that you are due for a break — the laws of quantum physics don’t work like that; the Universe responds when you give it something to respond to, and even then, only when you and the opportunity are ready for each other.

Go out into the world, armed with your passions, and begin carving out the corner of your own world. Water will cut through rock, not through force, but through persistence.

Now, if that stops working for you: go through your yearbook and make notes about how fat everyone has gotten. That’s really your last hope at salvaging sanity out of the situation.

Hope I’ve been helpful!

I blame it on Mercury being in Retrograde!

Dear, A.P.:

I’m at a point in my life where I’ve made a lot of big changes, but I still haven’t reached the part where I’m completely over where I had been. I miss my friends, I hate seeing their lives moving on without me, and I am terrified of the feeling that I will never have those kinds of meaningful relationships again. It’s kind of like my best days are behind me, you know?

Sincerely, Lonesome Dove.

Dear, Dove:

You have an incurable case of being human. We all feel that way from one time or another. Those of us who move across the country or into an entirely new country, we struggle to find identity in our new surroundings. The most obvious answer is to try to make as many friends in your new surroundings as possible, but that’s not always feasible. Try to remain in contact with your old friends — send letters, post cards, birthday cards, anything to keep your name fresh in their minds.

Option B: Prostitutes.

Good luck!

Thank you for joining me for “Ask an Author” — my kid sister’s favorite article! We’ll see you on your next trip across the Millerverse!

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