Satire: Marrying a Miller Man

Without going into too much detail, I’ve been told the family elders aren’t happy that just anyone can marry into the family. They aren’t pointing fingers at me directly, but it’s either me, or my ninth cousin Gustav …and I don’t think he’s coming out of Aunt Hildah’s basement long enough to get married (so they are pointing fingers at me). The family wants the process to become betrothed to the family to be more selective. A representative from the family’s ancestral homeland has sent an edict that our branch of the family must observe the traditions of the old country.

So, for your education, in case you ever plan on marrying one of the Miller Men: the conditions and process of marriage (as dictated by the Miller Family Elders, headquartered in the Old Country).

  1. If one of the Miller Sons would like to date you, he will send a chicken wearing a bowtie to your front door — should you accept this offer, you will knit the chicken a sweater, in the colors of your family crest, and return it to the closest supermarket. Upon receipt of the chicken, your first date will be the first Friday after the New Moon.
  2. On the first date, you will be required to braid a swatch of cloth taken from the fabric of your first baby blanket into your hair. If the baby blanket is not available to you, a swatch of a blue handkerchief is an acceptable substitute. You must not make eye contact with the Miller Son until he praises the fabric braided into your hair — only then may you establish eye contact.
  3. You may not kiss after the first date. When the Miller Son walks you to your front door, you must blow his nose with a ceremonial tea-towel (which will be provided to you upon arrival of the chicken at your front door). Once the tea-towel has been sullied, it must be burnt to ash in a fireplace facing South-East, and lit only with matches coming from a box with an uneven number of matches inside of it.
  4. A second date with the Miller Son will be announced by a chorus of honking geese, bleating the melody of a song of the Son’s choice. The Son should be following family tradition, so the song will most likely be “Play That Funky Music (White Boy)” by Wild Cherry. The second date will be dedicated exclusively to you demonstrating the domestic skills required to be a Miller Wife: bare knuckle boxing, knife throwing, and fire eating.
  5. The third, fourth, and fifth dates may be waived in the event that you are actively annexing a neighbor’s goat, or trying to liberate porcelain figurines from a curio cabinet. We will expect proof of the exemptions.
  6. A Miller Son will not propose marriage according to Western traditions — should a Miller Son request your hand in marriage, he will ask that you wear his socks from full moon to full moon. This act is sacred, and we expect you to take it seriously. Once the socks are removed, the betrothed will be bestowed a squirrel’s tail to wear from the back of her belt, to signify the intention of marrying the Miller Son.
  7. During the wedding ceremony, the bride will be asked to complete five labors: 1). Explain the sound of one hand clapping, 2). Play all of the movements of “November Rain” by Guns N Roses on the harmonica, 3). Decipher the family coleslaw recipe by eating a spoon full of it, 4). Open a beer bottle using only the eyebrows, and 5). Vanquish an enemy of the family in mortal combat.
  8. During the wedding reception, the bride will be blind folded, and must identify her new husband by smell alone.

My Uncle Foosh’s wife didn’t observe the wedding tradition, and now she works at American Airlines! …not because she broke tradition, she just really likes working there. The traditions are important though! The family DEMANDS observance!

Best of luck marrying into the family, and until your next trip across the Millerverse!

[AUTHOR’S NOTE]: Clearly i’m just kidding. I wouldn’t wish marriage on anyone.

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